HeadlinersMarriage & CouplehoodMarry Me 4 Life

5 Ways To A Healing, Healthy, Happy Relationship

No relationship, including mine, goes without its share of hurt. Understanding that hurt and disappointments are just a part of relating to others no matter the status or hierarchy of the relationship should be noted.  We all view situations depending on the lens that has shaped us through our environment and past experiences. But there are ways to push against the grain and build towards a healing, healthy, and happy relationship. Try to incorporate the following tips:

1. Lower Your Expectations

When in a committed relationship, lower your expectations. Now, I know that just seems counter-intuitive in a relationship. But in a situation where you have committed to live and do life forever with another individual it is impossible for that person to always meet your expectations. Those expectations will change over time, and become more and more grand. Think about it for a moment, when you both began dating as just friends, you probably only expected a phone call or text when they left work; however when the relationship started to grow, your expectations began to increase to where you wanted a call before work, during lunch, and periodically throughout the day. It’s true the closer you grow towards a person the more you feel a person can handle and the expectation list gets pretty thick. When the individual doesn’t meet those expectations disappointment sets in and feelings are hurt. Avoid this cycle by only setting attainable expectations that you both can meet.

2. Learn To Forgive

This next option is easier said than done. However, you must learn how to forgive in order for the relationship to heal. Understanding that forgiveness must first start with YOU forgiving YOU. That’s right!! Forgive yourself for permitting the offense to reside in your physical, emotional, and mental tabernacle longer than necessary. Let it be known that the offense will not hold you hostage to its memories or its feelings. Once you have forgiven your part in the offense then forgive the offender. Start by seeing them as the flawed individual they are (remember we all are flawed) and choose to forgive. Besides the person who offended you may not ever understand the hurt that was caused.  Don’t keep nursing the wound and rehashing the event over and over in your psyche. You both have too much life left to live and experience together. LET IT GO.

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3. Plan Dates To Recover

Plan your dates to recover and replace the hurt with new memories of fun and exciting things. Nothing helps to get over a hurt more than laughter and a good time. Get out your calendar and proceed to schedule intentional dates to include activities that neither of you have tried before. Most cities have recreational, cultural, comedic or theatrical events that you can take part in. Try a cooking or baking class together to start the bonding process. Sites such as Half Depot and Groupon have great ideas for your next out of the ordinary date at reasonable cost. Experiencing something new together allows for deposits of good memories to begin and the old hurts to fade away.

4. Seek Professional Help

It’s okay to get help. Work on how you perceive and handle issues. No matter how great the relationship is for the moment, issues will arise that will trigger doubt and sometimes pain.  Having an outlet other than your spouse or friends is crucial in forming and maintaining healthy habits to handle conflict and disagreements.
 

5. Practice Finding The Good

Become intent on finding good things about your significant other that you can focus on. This is vital because it is easier to find the flaws and put the high beams on that part of their character. However, finding the good takes practice and keeping those thoughts as the focus are work, but can become second nature. When we see the good and point it out that person starts to do more to warrant compliments in that area. We all want to feel we are great at something, find that good and let it be the piece that brings you two closer. This will bring back the happy for sure.

Be consistent in your actions and over time you will experience fewer moments of hurt & more moments of healing, health and happiness.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me via Twitter at @MarryMe4Life

 

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Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan is an advocate for making lasting relationships. She and her husband Tony are the founders of Marry Me 4 Life, and are currently co-authoring a book together. Tony is also a blogger for Black Love Forum. Together they focus on couple’s enrichment.