Of course no one deliberately volunteers to be a victim of an abusive relationship; but what if you are too blind to realize you’re in one? I was looking through the tabloids and one America’s bad girls, Evelyn Lozada, made the front page again…unfortunately this time it wasn’t for her popolicious attitude. Allegedly after a heated argument with her new hubby Chad, he “accidentally” bumped Ev’s forehead with his forehead, but the fact that he is now facing charges for the incident, is no accident. According to Evelyn she’s never seen her husband react that way; and from her response I’m assuming she didn’t look beyond the depth of his pockets to see he had a prior domestic violence case in his college days…..hmmm. Not saying Evelyn is in an abusive relationship, just stating facts that may lead to future conflict.
Unfortunately, a lot of women that are given early hints of an abusive pattern come to the realization a bit too late. Here are the top 4 reasons why many women stay after realizing they’re in an abusive relationship:
4) They become immune to their spouses/mates behavior and it becomes a normal routine.
3) They are brainwashed to believe they can’t do any better than what they have now; causing them to lose sight of any possibility stemming from leaving that abusive relationship.
2) They are financially unstable. Considering their mate is the bread winner; they experience the fear of failing and become afraid to branch out on their own.
1) They fail to realize EMOTIONAL abuse is a form of being in an abusive relationship, and continue to believe it will get better.
According to a survey conducted through Glamour Magazine, 2,542 woman ages 18 to 35; nearly 60 percent of the young women have experienced abuse, 94% cited emotional abuse. Many people think just because they aren’t being physically abused its ok for their mate to emotionally abuse them because it’s their fault for not being perfect….Wrong! There is no excuse or reason for you to endure emotional abuse from anyone! If you find yourself believing your mate is right for emotionally abusing you, you may be suffering from low self-esteem. Granted there are those cases where the mate does a great job of taming that anger in the beginning; then later on down the road they become someone you never would have imagined they would be.
For those of you that are unaware of the signs, here are 8 of the most popular ones:
1) Isolation from your friends & family: They want you to feel as if they are the only ones that love you. Breaking your bond between your closest friends and family is one of the major signs of emotional abuse.
2) Verbal abuse: When your mate gets in the habit of calling you derogatory names or making you believe there’s something wrong with you when you feel it’s not; get out of that relationship! Your mate is there to uplift you and encourage you, not to pull you down or break you!
3) Blames others for everything: If you notice your mate never takes responsibility for their actions and always blames others, especially you….that relationship could be on the road to an abusive one. Listen to them carefully when asking why previous relationships failed. If you find that he/she is constantly putting the blame on the other person, you may want to do a little investigating in their old relationships.
4) Excessive alcohol & drug use: Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying everyone that drinks or uses drugs are abusers, but studies show an addiction can lead to erratic and inappropriate behavior. Substance abuse can be a gateway to emotional abuse and an unhealthy relationship.
5) Instills Fear: If you feel fear around your mate there is something wrong. Abusers are known for intimidating others with violence or power tactics.
6) Controls you through emotions: If you find that your mate is manipulative, sulking, threatening to leave and blaming you for their wrongs; you definitely have an emotional abuser on your hands. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you show your assertiveness and will to do what you think is right; granted they may use the apologetic role to woo you back in, trust and know their remorse is only for a moment. Once you let down and allow them to get their way, they will feel even more dominant and possessive because now they know you’re weak spots.
7) Punishes you for spending time away: This tactic is similar to isolation whereas they always want you all to themselves. If you attempt to go somewhere without your mate, even if they seem ok about you going, they will punish you for your outing later. A lot of the time the abuser is so busy manipulating others to make them believe they are nice and understanding, so they’ll play the role while others are around, it will be later that you will hear how and why you shouldn’t have went.
8) Displaying jealousy: One of the main traits of an emotional abuser is their jealousy. An abusive mate is often jealous of you, your dreams and or your accomplishments. These behaviors stem from lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life. Sound crazy? Ask Tina Turner, Ike is the prime example in this case. He was so jealous of what he knew he couldn’t control in Tina that he felt the only way to control her was through abuse. Heel beat down anyone?
Don’t mistake it; both men & women can be abusers. If you find that your relationship falls in any of the above categories, don’t be afraid to seek help or leave that unhealthy relationship. Know that abuse of any kind or in any relationship is not acceptable. Always love yourself first and chose who you love wisely.