Embracing My Angry Black Woman
In my 40 plus years I’ve heard the term “angry black woman” a lot. Comedians get laughs from dogging her out, sitcoms base shows off her and men have labeled women as ABW. The ABW feeling never engulfed me despite my numerous encounters with cheating, lying, uncaring, disrespectful and unsavory men. Regardless of what happened I’ve always been the biggest supporter of Black men. For me, despite their wrong doing and negative rep, they still maintained their high status in my heart and mind.
That was until a few months ago:
For more than three years, I was seeing a man whose company I enjoyed. We decided against exclusivity and our only rule was honesty. If we dated someone else then no big deal, but if we had sex then that should be revealed.
During times when we were apart, I asked how he handled his sexual needs. His answer was he always handled it himself. After about 10 months I began liking him more and wanted more time – an afternoon in the park or a lunch date… something that occurred during daylight outside my home. Each time we talked he’d come by more often, but nothing changed. I continued to date other men, which he knew. Once I had a “live in,” which didn’t go over well and he deleted my number. When we reconnected, I said, “All you had to do was give me more time.”
“I know, that’s why I never said anything.”
The same issue arose earlier this year and I asked him to spend a weekend with me. We spent the time talking, laughing and enjoying each other. He’s one of few people I simply liked to spend time with. It became more than just sex for me. The next weekend arrived and I didn’t hear from him so I send a late night/early morning text. It wasn’t unusual for either of us to reach out in the middle of the night or morning. He didn’t answer the text, but I assumed he was asleep and would respond later. Early the next morning, I sent, “Why don’t you want to spend more time with me?”
The phone rang and instead of his deep, sexy voice, a woman said, “He doesn’t want to spend more time with you because he’s married. Please don’t call here anymore…”
I confronted him and discovered:
- The weekend with me was right before his marriage.
- He’d been seeing her for about two years.
- Sometime during those two years they moved in together.
I thanked him for showing me how it felt to be an angry black woman, a feeling I didn’t think I would get over. Then I joined The Conversation…Continued on Facebook and the interaction there gave me renewed hope. I’ve opened up again and I’m working really hard on trusting. Instead of letting my ABW fuel me, I’ve embraced her to learn from her experiences, I soothe her and realize she doesn’t have to show herself. She only needs to be understood.