“People grow apart, people change… All of these people running around here jumping, hopping, skipping, diving, falling in love…falling in love ain’t sh*t. Somebody talk to me PLEASE about how to stay there. Do I love my wife? Hell yes. Is she here? Hell no.”
This is an interesting dialogue between Savon and Darius from my all time favorite 90s Black romance film, Love Jones. The above scene depicts the reality of long-term relationships and marriages when the flame simmers down and sometimes goes out all together. People love the idea of falling in love and the romanticized notion of finding your soul mate, becoming one with each other, and growing old together. You find your boo, fall head over heels, get engaged, get married…and then, it gets real.
As the years go by, you see more changes. A shift happens in the relationship’s dynamic and things just ain’t the same anymore. Your glorified boo has changed into someone you don’t recognize and it’s a little scary. Or maybe it’s you that has changed and all that good stuff that brought you together may just not be enough anymore. That’s what’s real.
As we get boo’d up with others, we tend to forget the fact that we are individuals first. And as individuals, we change. We grow. Our taste buds change every 7 years. Our bodies continue to go through metamorphosis even well after the adolescent years. Interests change, people change, and relationships aren’t immune…they change too.
“…falling in love ain’t sh*t. Somebody talk to me PLEASE about how to stay there“
You stay there by staying connected.
You continuously check in with each other and talk about the changes within that you are experiencing.
Maintaining honest and open communication is probably the most challenging aspect of a relationship, but it is ultimately what keeps people together.
You can sense when the distance is happening, you can feel when you’re just not on the same page. You know the exact moment when you stop feeling each other. The mistake we make is to continue on without checking in. We bury ourselves in distraction by focusing on everything else but each other and what ends up happening is that you wake up one day and realize that you don’t recognize each other. And all that does is lead to irreconcilable differences, “I don’t even know who you are anymore”, the end as you know it.
Talk to each other. Constantly. Share your new interests, address things that you don’t like anymore. Realize that you will always be the person your glorified boo fell in love with in the first place, so don’t hesitate to introduce them to the version 2.0 of yourself. Besides, we all like to experience something new every now and again.
Who better to share those changes in you with, than the person who you plan to spend the rest of your life with!
And that’s my word,