Marriage & CouplehoodMarry Me 4 Life

Yes, Good People Cheat – But Should They Be Forgiven?

On any given Friday or Saturday you can find women of every ethnicity in a hair salon. It’s like the meet up spot without an invitation or posting to which you RSVP. Our hair salon sisters give a wealth of information while also allowing us to hold group therapy sessions.  Often the topic of discussion includes fashion, entertainment and the men in our lives. We gain insight into what others think and how they would react to given scenarios. Many times we resolve issues that have plagued our minds for weeks just by talking and listening to other sisters who have gone through and come out on the other side of a perplexing and troubling issue. One such issue that we were able to give clarity on was a sister who had been married for 13 years that recently found out her husband cheated a year ago.

 Beautiful, talented, a mother of 2 boys ages 6 and 3, and a devoted wife, this sister is definitely the epitome of a successful woman by anyone’s standards.  So why would her husband betray her, his family, and their marriage for another woman? Is it because he is a dog? Could it be because he’s insecure and immature? Or, maybe he’s a good guy with bad judgment and emotions that attached him to a person and situation that caused him to make a bad decision. You see, he came to his wife and told her about his affair. Yes, he told her!! She was not given any signs that cheating was occurring. His emotions and conscious would not allow him to rest and be the best husband and father he could be if he did not let her know. He begged her forgiveness and had already started seeing a therapist at his law firm for his infidelity. As for the other woman, she was a co-worker but was promoted to a division in another city and he had not contacted her after the encounter.

However, this wife felt as if marriage life as she knew it was over.  This sister stated that she could never again be with her husband let alone trust him. Understandably so, once you give yourself over to someone and they violate your trust it is hard to come back from that traumatic experience. But, this is a man in our opinion at the salon, who is a good man that happened to have cheated. And just like any other man, who have done something wrong such as gambling, DUI, fraud, hit and run, and any other numerous charges you can think of, he should not be labeled as a whole “bad” and under-serving of another chance. He must indeed deal with the consequences of his actions, and putting a marriage back together after infidelity is beyond hard, especially for the person who caused the pain. His character, his position as head of the family, and his legacy as a husband and father are all on the line and he wants to fight for his marriage and make things right.

She told us that there is a part of her that wants to move past this but she just can’t seem to allow him to get close to her. She even stated that every morning for the past 5 months he has sent her encouraging text messages, emails with song attachments and numerous other surprises that appear at her doorstep and in the kid’s backpacks when they exchange the boys for the weekends. We asked her if she could fast forward 20 years from now and celebrate their 33rd wedding anniversary with assurance that there would be no other incidences of infidelity would she allow her marriage the chance to heal and survive. She stated she would but just didn’t see that happening. Whether she chose to stay or leave the marriage she was still a great mother and a great wife.

Men and Women who cheat are not bad people, yet they are people with bad moral judgment. Just like the rest of us who may not cheat on our spouses, but have done other things that would cause someone to question our character, being called out and dealing with our short comings is an opportunity to learn and grow into a better person. So yes, good men and women do cheat and forgiveness is in order but what happens from there takes real soul searching and work to achieve a new normal and a better tomorrow.

 

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Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan is an advocate for making lasting relationships. She and her husband Tony are the founders of Marry Me 4 Life, and are currently co-authoring a book together. Tony is also a blogger for Black Love Forum. Together they focus on couple’s enrichment.

3 Comments

  1. Silk
    November 18, 2012 at 2:28 AM

    Would you want to be forgiven ?

  2. Mrs. Jones
    November 19, 2012 at 1:09 PM

    The only reason her husband came clean was due to the mistress threating to tell the wife about the affair. Lets get real folks, what kind of man with common sense will tell his wife that he cheated, other than to warn her before the mistress calls and spill the beans.

  3. December 4, 2012 at 10:40 PM

    Yes, I would want forgiveness. But the hard part would be learning to forgive myself for hurting what was fidelity and trust and turning it into infidelity and mistrust. That would be the hard part. Whether my mate left me or kept me, I would still have to deal with my self and my choices.