Happy Blended Families Do Exist: 4 Tips for Mother/ Stepmother Harmony
Normally I don’t directly dish out personal information, but due to a recent experience I felt it was totally necessary to mentally empower my fellow readers! While sitting in the hospital with my son and his Step-mother one of the nurses walked in and began referring to her as his Mother. We both laughed, she explained that she was his Step-mother and redirected him to me. The look of mass confusion on his face showed that he had never before heard of a Mother and Step-mother sitting with the child together yet alone laughing and playing charades together.
Now here is the kicker that inspired this blog, instead of him thinking I was the Mother and she was his Father’s Wife, he thought her and I were lovers! I mean really? I just found that totally absurd and it really shined some light on the theory of this generation today. I had to ask him, what in this wonderful world would have made you have such an assumption? He said, “Well, you two are getting along, playing and all I just would have never guessed you were Mom and Stepmom! Plus to be honest not many black women can handle a situation like that.” Sad to say but he was right! Most black women are so immune to drama they begin to take it on as a lifestyle and wear it on the opposite sleeve of their heart. I mean really, should I hate this woman because we once shared a common interest? Does it make me less of a woman because I choose to have a mutual agreement with her versus beefing with her? Or is it the fact that I recognize that she genuinely loves my child and I appreciate her instead of trying to fight her? Using one of my favorite movies as a perfect example, look at how unhealthy the relationship was between Angela and Marcus when having to deal with his baby mama Kesha on “Why Did I Get Married?”. Granted it was absolutely hilarious to see Angela go off, but realistically can you imagine the stress endured during that whole lifestyle?
Not saying this connection happens overnight, nor is it an easy task. Some people are so immature that it’s almost impossible to have an adult relationship with them. I will say it takes a lot of mind power and prayer to get to this point with “The new chick” but it also requires some guidelines. Here are a few main factors…
Factor #1: It is a must that you are content with yourself. Knowing who you are and what you stand for is a main factor. How you feel on the inside always shows on the outside and if you show signs of being an “anything” type of chick, she will not respect you.
Factor #2: You must be completely over your ex. This is very important because if you are still dealing with him after he has committed to “The new chick” you will find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster and only end up hurting yourself. Putting yourself in that dilemma will leave you questioning why her and why not you which leads us to the next rule of thumb.
Factor #3: Do not and I repeat, Do Not play the compare & contrast game. As women we can be very competitive (especially knowing you had him first); let us not forget we can be our worst critics. Say for instance she happens to glide into the room looking like a complete Goddess on a day you decided to wear sweats and a tee; don’t begin to belittle yourself or beat yourself up for coming out in your chill clothes. Do the total opposite, compliment her. A woman that can give another woman an honest compliment shows she has confidence in herself. It says, although I’m out here in my sweats & tee I’m still beautiful and I’m not threatened by you!
Factor #4: Know your limits. Although you want to establish a healthy relationship with “The new chick” you don’t want to let her in too much. Of course you will have discussions pertaining to your child and there is nothing wrong with having basic conversation but don’t go beyond that. Giving her too much of your personal life could in turn be a slap in your face. You can befriend her but know when to draw the line.
As a result you will find that there is a way you all can provide the best atmosphere for the child/ren and still subject them to a healthy environment; because in the end it’s about the child and their well-being, they shouldn’t have to suffer for a decision you made.