Breakups & DivorceRelationship ChallengesThe Blend Factor

His Babies’ Mamas….

Well ya’ll, I finally met him…Mr. Right. He loves God, family, and me. He loves me for who I am-good and bad. He is sociable and gets along with others. He is employed with wonderful benefits. He has wonderful problem solving skills. He is down to earth and he wants and demonstrates his desire for exclusivity in our relationship. He doesn’t play games. He expresses his feelings in words and actions.  He loves me and has made it clear that he wants a mate not a playmate. He loves my kids and they relate very well. I love him and his kids and we relate well. Our sexual intimacy is HOTT! There is one thing that causes me to pause—-his babies’ mamas. Yes–plural, mamas. He has kids by 2 different women. Each bring their own drama.
The oldest child is 16 and her mom and my man were married but divorced 7 years ago. The other child is 4 and they were never married. Nevertheless, my man is an active and involved father and those women seem to “stick it to him” at every opportunity by going to court to increase child support if they see him with something new; denying his visitation and trying to keep him in the dark about the children’s’ activities. Throughout all of this, my man remains vigilant in his fatherly duties and accepts what he can get with visitation and contact with his kids. He is there for them and their every need. I really admire him for this. At the same time, I have heard some of the comments made by these women relative to my involvement with the children. Their statements: “She aint her mother…”, “ I don’t want her around my baby”, “She thinks she is something….” are all unnecessary and unwarranted since I want the best for their kids as well as mine. The statements upset me and initially caused me to question if I could remain with this man.
But in the words of Jennifer Hudson, “I aint going”. There are too many positives in my relationship with my man and his children to allow “baby mama drama” to scare me away. I have a strategy to deal with this dilemma.  1. I will continue to love his children with same passion I love my own. 2. I will meet and greet his children’s mothers with pleasant words and gestures. 3. I will maintain open communication with my man about any concerns and welcome his input and problem solving. 4. I will control what is in my domain–my home, my family, my relationship, and remain prayerful. If I follow my strategy, I am certain my loving relationship/marriage will prevail and not fall victim to babies’ mamas” drama.
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Cindy Bivins Coleman

Cindy Bivins Coleman

She is the mother of 4 sons. She will be forever bound to her two daughters of marriage (although the marriage ended). They will always be family.

3 Comments

  1. Chris G. Jourdan
    August 30, 2011 at 7:50 AM

    Giving your new man the benefit of doubt, all seems great in the beginning of any new relationship. We as men know what to say, how to say it, how to act and the whole 9 yards, but as the luster and lust of a new relationship eventually wears off and most of that changes. Its just our nature to be challenged by the hunt. Most of the challenge normally changes in time when we conquer our prize, but we good guys remain steadfast and keep up the fight to maintain the luster. Now as a single father for more than 13 years, I must say that I understand the baby mama drama. I must also say and admit that many times, we men are sometimes the cause of the drama. Given that most men don’t necessarily tie up loose ends with past relationships as we should keeping the door open of going back and forth from time to time to get it in if the current women begins to act up. Time will only determine that outcome, but that is the main cause of the drama. Women use emotions with their baby’s daddy and men use their tools and have nothing to do with emotions or the child. The baby mama becomes hopeful that he’ll recover, get his head right and come back home so that they can be one big happy family, but becomes resentful when she eventually sees him with the new woman. The new woman (during the beginning of the new relationship will all is going good) doesn’t recognize this and before you know it, the drama is out of hand.
    Word to the wise, men handle ALL of your business before you drag the new woman into the old relationships of your baby mamas, and women, slow down, watch and listen, the truth (if there is one) will eventually surface. If all is well after about 2 years, then you’re really ready to enjoy your (still) new relationship.

    Peace & Love

  2. August 30, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    BMD can definitely test a relationship. It’s frustrating and disheartening when a man wants to be a good father and the mother wants to make it as difficult as possible. I applaud you for the stance you have chosen to take. I pray for the best for both of you.

  3. Cindy Bivins Battle
    September 3, 2011 at 9:45 PM

    Chris, thanks for your candidness. I do think however that seeing as I was not around when the prior relationships ended and there was ample opportunity for reconciliation, why would it happen after all this time. I think BMD is a method of control used when there is she feels that is the only way of obtaining attention. It is trying though as Mairo pointed out. But as long as the good outweighs the bad, I’m in. And yes. Time will tell.