How to Divorce Guide – It’s Your Divorce
It takes a brave person to admit when they’re wrong. It takes a courageous person to be humble. It takes a strong person to have compassion. It takes a loving person to let go. No, this isn’t going to get soppy!
In separation and divorce bravery, courage, strength and love seem to slip from the qualities portrayed by most relationship breakups. It’s little wonder then that the battle commences. Wounded and disillusioned people tend to fall back into self protection mode, fear, guilt, and anger flood round the body in waves fuelling adrenaline and the flight and fight mode.
Knee jerk reactions are common, ignited by indignation and shock, amongst other things. No quarter is given to how the other party might be feeling. And why should we care how the other party is doing … after all, if it weren’t for them we wouldn’t be where we are, would we? That’s true for both the dumper and the dumpee.
If you give an inch you fear they’ll take a mile. If you show you care it might give false hope. It’s easier therefore to remain isolated in your tower of self righteousness.
You speak to your family and friends and they side with you. They stoke your fire of being right. They give you stories of times they haven’t told you about previously when your partner wasn’t coming up to scratch. They hate to see you hurt and they adopt the hate mantel. Very soon everyone you come into contact with has decided you’re right and even if you once had a wee niggling doubt, this is quickly dispelled with the raft of evidence which appears out of the woodwork to support the theory.
Stop. This is your divorce, it’s not theirs and even if they’ve had one, yours is different – the key players are different, there are different personalities, emotions, finances, children, pets, houses and most of all …. Priorities.
This is a word I’d like you to remember – priorities. It’s the cause of much misunderstanding. Some folk have a priority on security, some on freedom. Some even remember to prioritise their children – usually to one degree or another (more in the How to Divorce – Children blog).
If you take security v freedom priority – what does that mean exactly to the two parties? Strangely, it probably means the same – more money. More money to feel secure and more money to be free. Is there any wonder that there’s confusion and an inability to understand the other?
What if the priority were peace? Now some couples start off doing this peacefully and agree to it up front. Sometimes however when you ask each of them what peace means you will get different answers. One person might not like to be adversarial – they may shrink away from standing up for themselves and so they are prepared to negotiate and to accept what seems reasonable. The other might prioritise peace as the end goal which they will only get when they have put the divorce to bed and ended it as quickly as possible, in whatever works. So much for peace as a joint priority then!
When you work with someone who is qualified in finding out the root of your motivation, and by that I mean what drives you to do and decide what you are deciding (and if you’re anything like me, you usually don’t know the real reason, I didn’t) then you find that you are suddenly put into a very powerful position. The objective guide will work with you to find ways and means to achieve your true desire without you having to become a victim, a martyr or even a bully.
Over the last few years as I’ve worked with people, I’ve noticed that those working with me actually start to be able to wear x-ray specs and can see and feel what the other side is doing before they do it. The plus of this is that options, boundaries, counter attacks and strong, well thought out tactics arm you with a barrage of possibilities and remove the fear of ‘but what if …’
Fear is the greatest motivator and yet paradoxically, it’s the greatest hindrance. Historically, I’ve always been a quick thinker and mover and was prone to knee jerk – I used to feel that any action was better than no action – however sometimes it’s important to sit with a thought, an emotion, a feeling – even though it hurts and find out what’s going on behind it. Equally if you sit too long with a negative emotion, you can end up being frozen into inaction and depression. There’s a bit of black v white and loads of grey which comes into play here and the grey is where I’ve learned to sit and would encourage you to shift either up or down a gear to join me.
The 5 top tips to make it your divorce are:
- Stop, look, listen before you jump
- Know your strengths and weaknesses
- Ask for objective outside help
- Find out what your real priorities are
- Face the worst case scenario and plan accordingly
The Divorce Coach
Jackie Walker is Master Practitioner of NLP, life coach and Spiritual Practitioner. She lives in Edinburgh and set up The Divorce Coach after her own challenging divorce experiences. Her methods help people instantly identify the real issues, challenges and obstacles of divorce and relationship breakdown and overcome them in easy stages.
Resources: Divorce Survival Report and Your Personal Relationship Audit are both available from www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk along with a raft of easily digestible information and her new ebook 7 Easy Steps to Stress Less Relationships. One to one consultations from £100 per month.
The Divorce Coach
0800 019 6862
Helping you to get rid of the pain, misery and discomfort of divorce.