Ask The Married FolksSingle Life & Dating

In LOVE & Afraid: Will The 4th Time Be The Charm?

Dear Young Black Married Man:

I’ve been exclusively dating my soul mate for 11months now. I’m 37, so by now I’ve dated many times before, but this time feels so different & so right, because she’s the ONE! She’s perfect, everything I want in a woman she has & she is. I love her so much that on our 1yr anniversary I want to ask her to marry me! Ok, so here is the issues she’s been married & divorced 3 times before. I don’t want to be divorce #4! What should I do? I don’t want to date forever, but I’ve never been married & only want to do it once.

Dear Reader:

DANGGGGG 3 TIMES! I thought 3rd time was a charm? But hey maybe it will be 4th time:)
Seriously, here’s my take, 1st you have to make sure she even wants to get married again. Now I’m sure she loves you, but w/ marriage, she’s been there done that & probably got the t-shirt. & house to go w/ it. So just make sure she would be open to it.

Also, you need to find out why she thinks those other marriages failed, b/c she may be the problem, or those guys may have been dogs. For example, did all the other husbands cheat? If so, not her fault… but they may have cheated b/c she never gave it up except on their birthdays. Plus if they cheated, she may be insecure about that now & have trust issues. She may think every time you go out the door you’re going to go sleep w/ someone else. You don’t want that stress of her thinking you’re just like the others.
Another scenario… maybe the 1st time she got married & she was to young but did it b/c she was pregnant & it just didn’t work out & they’re still friends. Being friends with the ex isn’t always a bad thing, b/c that means she didn’t turn into a total psycho and he has a restraining order against her. Plus you can get close to him & ask questions about the marriage & why they divorced. I’m just saying, play all your cards.

If you do end up popping the question, make sure you go to premarital counseling. You don’t go b/c you have problems, you go to avoid future problems & how to handle them together when they arise. My wife & I went through it  at a local church & loved it. It really makes you think about situations and scenarios you normally wouldn’t have thought of. It teaches you how to communicate better & even argue effectively instead of being destructive to the relationship. This will also help bring up the issues from the other marriages, b/c you don’t want to take on too much of that baggage & have those standard on your head. She’s going to have to measure you on your own merits & not off those of men in her past. That can be especially hard for people who have been married before b/c they don’t want to get burt again.

But please make sure you go to the counseling soon, as in before the invitations go out. I always say it’s a lot easier to call things off, before the invites go out!

Lastly, I think God & love is strong enough to concur anything, but it takes work, & both of you have to be willing to work at it every single day. Don’t even let divorce be an option. It’s not an insurance plan! If you do all that & keep loving each other even when times are though, then you’ll be like me & marry your best friend that makes you feel like the luckiest man on earth!

Stay Blessed!

I Am Number Four is a film from Walt Disney Studios.  The image attached to this post is the intellectual property of WDS.

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Mr. Shannon Lanier

Mr. Shannon Lanier

Energetic. Personable. Spiritually grounded. Inspiring. These are just some of the words that describe Emmy Award-winning multimedia journalist Shannon Antonio Lanier.

1 Comment

  1. August 22, 2011 at 2:42 PM

    I am/was wife number 3. He was my husband number 1. He was my soulmate until his death in 2004. Our marriage, the years we spent together were some of the best years of my life. If I had it to do all over again, I would in a heart beat. Judge her in the now, and decide if that is the person you want to marry. If yes, then I wish you luck, that she says yes, and wish you both many years of happiness.