HeadlinersMarriage & CouplehoodMarry Me 4 Life

Marriage Is Not Designed For You To Play Fair

Do you subscribe to the thinking of “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right?” Or what about “Don’t dish it, if you can’t take it?” This line of thinking is correct if you are on a playground with your peers, but this does not work in marriage. Often times we try to protect ourselves from becoming a push over by letting our spouse know that we will not stand for foolishness or bad behavior. No one want’s to be hurt by the person they love, yet, its part of the growing process as neither or us are perfect all the time. But giving them what they give out will cause respect and trust to be broken. Trust and respect is easy to tear down but hard to rebuild.

When Tony and I first got married, we went out of our way to do nice things for each other, we played fairly and it was good as long as niceties were being displayed. As soon as one of us felt neglected or that a line was crossed, the vindictive side of us showed up and showed out. Everything started to become a “Tit for Tat” episode and this caused us to lose trust and respect for one another. Luckily for us we had people around who could pull our coat tails and lead us in the right direction. Unfortunately, damage had been done and scars took a long minute to heal.

Meanwhile, we had to learn how to give to each not what the other person deserved, but what the other needed at that time. An eye for an eye mentality got us in deep trouble, but turning the other cheek caused us to see that the other person genuinely wanted to love us and not hurt us. We had to get use to the other person and what they perceived as being disrespectful or neglectful. There was a real big learning curve but we managed and things began to go and remain in the right direction. Not that we still don’t step on each other toes, but when it happens we forgive and forget a lot easier and without retaliation.

We often forget to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. When expectations become constant let downs we tend to let nice gestures fly out the window and protect ourselves from hurt with below the belt insults or actions. But it’s doing those trying times when we should push harder to do the nice things to remind the other person that no matter what we are in this together and we benefit from the work and consistency of being team players.

So the next time your spouse turns into Mozilla Gorilla, don’t become Meanie Jeanie, they could just be crying out for some love and support. Grace, Love and Patience truly cover a multitude of mess-ups and could turn their attitude and the situation around. Remember, you “MARRYME4LIFE, so do life together.

Tarenia Carthan


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Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan is an advocate for making lasting relationships. She and her husband Tony are the founders of Marry Me 4 Life, and are currently co-authoring a book together. Tony is also a blogger for Black Love Forum. Together they focus on couple’s enrichment.