So if you read the title and are like “Hey?!, What’s nookie??” This article might not be for you. If you already know, then let me just plainly say that “We’re both adults and we want the same thing” IS NOT a good enough reason to have sex right when we meet someone. That is not if you are actually looking for love. Let me just speak to the women for a moment. For us, the act of having sex with a man requires a certain amount of surrender just by the act of lying down and allowing ourselves to be penetrated. If you are already vulnerable because you are lonely, then engaging in this fashion, multiple times with multiple partners will leave you in a tizzy. Of course, we’re grown and you already know this right? Men, you are aware that in all the grumblings about women NOT being submissive (as if we should be submitted to a man we’re not even married to), she submits herself to you in the most intimate way every time she lays down for you and opens her legs for you? How much more submission does one seeking the hot monkey on a platter require? I know, I am opening up a can of worms, but just think of the worms as the wrong space to be looking for love/a relationship in.
Just because we’re grown isn’t a good enough reason to do something either. Think about your emotional health and realize sometimes, the basics are all you need to find the love you really want. Everything else is a bonus. Shouldn’t we all be thinking about our emotional health and basic well-being when it comes to a potential partner? Of course we have to get over the intensity of the initial attraction when we first meet someone but after that is a good time to think about things like compatibility, finances, communication, personality and whether they are looking for “TMTS” (Too Much-Too Soon). At some point we have to recognize that introducing sex too early in a relationship can cause the TMTS syndrome. Our bodies are wired to become more intimately connected during sex via a hormone called oxytocin, better known as, the love hormone (Source). This hormone has been known to promote feelings of trust and monogamy as well.
Dating is difficult enough without having to navigate through all the emotions that a sexual bond creates right off the bat. Even though sex may not contain the same emotional responses with a man as it does with a woman, the process is still draining none the less. When I hear men complain of all the things they have to go through to get the attention of a woman, woo her, and then finally get her into bed, that’s the wear and tear of them trying to get some nookie…go for the cookie or whatever you want to call it. That’s self-induced nookie fatigue brought on by one’s own actions. When I hear women complain of how a man did them and ran off, all I can think about is that poem by Ntozake Shange about how some guy almost made off with all her “stuff” and he didn’t even realize he had it.
This is not just about women or just about men, it’s about all of us. If we are really about truly finding and keeping black love alive, then we have got to stop the instant gratification and think about our posterity as a culture. It takes a black man and a black woman to have a black child. I know it may seem to be a little lofty. If it is then so what? Isn’t the goal of saving black love and relationships a lofty goal? In order to reach big goals we have to do big things.