Marriage & CouplehoodMarry Me 4 Life

RELATIONSHIPS: The Way You Start, Is The Way You Will Finish

Has your partner made promises that have not been kept? Are you always just handling things on your own because he seems to not want to handle it or it’s just taking way to long to get something done?  If you answered, “yes” to any of the above then you my sister have created and are continuing to create a stale mate. What is a stale mate you ask? A stale mate is a partner who has become a master is stall tactics to not address or handle issues that seem to be important to their mutual partner. They know if they take longer than necessary, or keep overlooking the issue their partner will either leave the issue alone or handle the issue without them. This is often the case because the more responsible partner continues to take care of things even when the other partner is more than capable of getting it done. The old adage of “The Way You Start Out Is The Way You Will Finish rings true in relationship building.   Besides, this type of attitude can’t continue if the relationship is to be mutually fulfilling for both partners. So, how do you get the cycle of stalling and overlooking issues to cease? The following tips should steer the relationship into the right start up position:

  1.  K.I.S.S. – KEEP IT SIMPLE SWEETIE. Briefly state the issue. No long list of complaints or you will loose your partner’s attention.
  2. Complain but don’t blame. Talk about how you feel and how things look to you. Complain but don’t criticize. Criticism is an attack on your mate’s personality or character. Remember, you get more bees with honey than vinegar.
  3. “I” instead of “You.” Statements that begin with “I” tend to be less critical and don’t put the receiver on the defensive. Statements that start with “you” are judgmental and indictments against your mate.  Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel valued when you turn off the television and talk with me.”
  4. Describe but don’t judge your mate. Simply describe what you see happening and how you would like to see the picture in the future. Giving a positive direction for the issue to take shape will likely result in a positive outcome you both can feel good about.

Talk clearly about what you need. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Be direct and say what you need.  Remember you mate is not a “Test Dummy” you can’t test them and expect them to know what you want and how you want it just because they are in love with you. Love takes commitment, work, and a whole lot of patience but the end results are so worth the efforts.


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Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan

Tarenia Carthan is an advocate for making lasting relationships. She and her husband Tony are the founders of Marry Me 4 Life, and are currently co-authoring a book together. Tony is also a blogger for Black Love Forum. Together they focus on couple’s enrichment.