Single Life & DatingThe BigRich Chronicles

Sex Partners vs Friends with Benefits

I recently took part in a lively discussion centered around the topic of sex which in essence began as a general question as to what it meant when a man tells his ex that he will continue to sleep with her even if she gets with someone else.  It was quite revealing when I noticed that automatically the women in the group began to blast the man as selfish and disrespectful and was just as telling when other guys started saying the ex man had basically placed the ex woman into the realm of cutty buddy.   However, through it all, what I came to realize is that there are many people out there that simply are either confused, misinformed or just do not know the difference between a sex partner and a friend with benefits. So here is BigRich’s contribution to those who need it most.

Sex Partners

First, sex partners DO NOT have to like one another. In fact, sex partners do not have to be friends or even really know one another all that well. To be clear, a sex partner is one step above cutty buddy/f_*k buddy. The difference is you may be with a sex partner more than 10-15 minutes doing the deed and you may actually walk her to her car afterwards. There is generally no random phone calls about how a persons day was or any of that unless that call also includes setting up the date and location for the next sex action. Other than a passing interest in making sure that the other person remains locked into the sexual agreement, there is rarely any other feelings involved.  So in essence, a sex partner is scheduled much like you would schedule going to the doctor or a woman going to the salon and just like going to the doctor or the salon,  you will likely not hear back from your sex partner until it is time for the next appointment.

Friends with Benefits

A friend with benefits is much more than merely a sex partner. In fact, there are likely times when there is no sex involved at all. If you look at it on the surface, a friend with benefits is close to looking like a relationship, except without the commitment and likely less deep feelings.  To be a friend with benefits means that you were in fact, FRIENDS first. I capitalized that because far too often people use the term “friends with benefits” and yet the two parties really are not friends at all. Basically somebody is trying to candy coat what they really are which is sex partners.  Friends hang out. Friends  have some things in common. Friends enjoy being around one another. Friends have spirited conversations but still remain respectful of one another.  Friends do not care who pays for dinner. Friends actually like to hear from their other friends. But most importantly, friends are genuinely concerned and care about each other. With friends with benefits, sex is a byproduct of all the things I just mentioned. It is not the expectation as much as the anticipation of what happens at the end (or beginning, or middle) of a great time spent together.  Usually, at the end of your time together, one or the other person will call or text to let the other know they got home safely or will call the next day.

I am not writing this article to condone either type of relationship because here at BlackLoveForum we believe in fostering positive black relationships, but the truth is, who is to say whether or not either of these relationships is positive. If both parties willingly agreed to it and condone it, then that is their decision.  All I can tell you is to love yourself, know your worth, be careful, keep the lines of communication open, be totally honest about any changes that may be happening with the arrangement  and stay protected. Feelings get hurt when folks stop effectively communicating.

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Richard 'BigRich' Evans

Richard 'BigRich' Evans

With nearly 20 years of experience in juvenile justice, public speaking, youth and young adult coaching and intervention, Richard 'BigRich' Evans' brand of straight talk has touched thousands.


  1. Samuel Williams
    September 6, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    I just heard this today: “Two people lay down, someone’s coming up catchin feelings.” And that’s word.

  2. Iris
    October 18, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    Pump your breaks!! Both of these relationships types are harmful!! If we are to rise above lowly mentalities, agreements of this kind only lower self esteem. If a man or woman is not interested in a committed relationship, they do not need to be sexually involved. I know you are speaking to the masses, please bring elements of what is righteous. Universal Laws are in full effect, we must not allow such carnal desires to rule.

  3. Iris
    October 18, 2011 at 9:29 PM

    True Samuel, and someone is gonna get hurt!! These agreements are to be avoided at all cost!