Single Life & DatingWhat The Love

The Elephants in the (Dating) Room: (pt. 1) – S…E…X!


Leave it to me to start things off with a four-part series, huh?  Oh well…hello Lovies! Let’s jump right in…  Courtesy of dating in the twenty-first century, we might find ourselves asking questions.

If any of you were like myself, most of those questions are only asked in the confines of your mind. Once asked, you spent the next few days, weeks or even months, looking for the answer using your trusty Love Detective Kit.  Love Detective Kit? Yes, that’s right.

The Love Detective Kit is what one uses to attempt to overcome all elephants in the room as you suffer in silence, burdened with the paralysis of analysis.  This means that you’ve asked nothing (outloud), but you are analyzing EVERYTHING!

Well now you can put away your text messages that test and statements that investigate; and allow me to offer you some tips that will let you to slay the elephant–or elephants–in your dating room.

Now, while I don’t believe that everyone has the same “elephant,” I have identified four that I think most of us can agree on.  And, because I am extremely long-winded…that’s why we have to present this article in four parts.

The Four Elephants I’ll be addressing are:

  • Sex
  • Commitment
  • Communication
  • Love

Sex is arguably the biggest elephant of them all, because as you all know, everybody’s doing it!  Not! That type of rhetoric is precisely why this “elephant”  has to be discussed.

Many of the issues with this elephant start with assumptions. The assumption that “dating means mating,” (consummating, that is); or assuming that you must have sex because some specific time has in your relationship has passed; or assuming that you have to have sex just because.  All of these assumptions create a situation where one or both of you will feel used, unhappy, or just downright mad!

As much as either of you may not want to talk about sex, it’s my hope that you’ll put those feelings aside.  Realize that this discussion can be as simple as do you expect us to sleep together? And as complicated as I am not ready for a sexual relationship right now is that a problem? Whether the conversation is:   Simple? Complicated? Grounds for dismissal? Whatever!  Just allow an honest conversation to happen.

No assumptions allowed!  Go ahead, slay that elephant!  Why?  Glad you asked.

The answer: Engaging in sex without a mutual understanding of what this act means to you and the other party involved could be the difference between singing that song about having the love of a lifetime and being the one where the windows are busted out of your car.

Furthermore, failing to voice your sex-pectations–whatever they are– might cause you both to misunderstand, misconstrue or mistake everything that transpires from this point on, whether you have relations or not.  So, do me a favor…take my advice and, “ask BEFORE you smash!” (“Smash” is a colloquialism for sex…by the way.)

Now say it again: Ask before you smash!

And, for those of you with no interest in smashing…err, having sex, take your hand and pat yourself on the back, because truthfully, Coach Steph loves it when you don’t give your goodies away.  Just being transparent.

So…yea you!  Okay I’ve done enough damage for one article… Stay tuned for parts two…three and four.  And don’t forget to #love100!

P.S. Are you saying “what the love” yet? (Smile)



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Stephanie D. McKenzie (MBA, CPC, CRC)

Stephanie D. McKenzie (MBA, CPC, CRC)

Stephanie McKenzie is the founder of WhatTheLove™ which offers energetic, entertaining, and educational individual and group coaching programs. These programs are designed to remove the power and pain of bad relationships in your life.


  1. April 5, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    Great post Steph! The elephant in the room is often sex because of the other elephants haven’t been addressed… Also, some individuals do believe everyone is “smashing” and in actuality they’re not. Having is sex within a relationship is each persons choice but does need to be addressed for clarity. There are still individuals that want to remain celibate until married. I’m looking forward to the other three:-)

  2. April 5, 2012 at 4:57 PM

    Thanks Delisha! You are sooooooo correct! It’s such a big elephant, and gets bigger by the day because just as you said, it needs to be address–even if we are NOT doing it. 😉 Thanks for chiming in. Xoxo…