The Season Of My Life!
This article is the continuation of a series of articles from guest bloggers as they chronicle their journeys in life. The series will include journeys in health and wellness, life and love, happiness, poverty to prosperity and many others. This is the second article from our first guest blogger: Staci Cash from Houston, TX .
Hello my name is Staci Cash and this is my walk through the Seasons of Life. I decided to start blogging about my life and my journey because this is also my healing room. Yes, I am here with the hopes of helping and to become an inspiration to others. I also want those who want to heal to allow themselves to become naked just as I have. I had to learn over time to start peeling off the layers of all my hurt, anger, pain, disappointments, and etc. It is not an easy thing to do especially when you have become a professional liar about yourself. That’s what I became was a liar about how I was really feeling about myself on the inside. It just became so easy to wear a smile that was as fraudulent as a $3 dollar bill.
So I begin with stating yes I struggled with my weight all my life and until this very day I struggle. Making a lifestyle change is not easy and maintaining it takes just as much work. See I grew up with the fat girl syndrome. I was in sports and dance and even then my size 6 and size 8 were considered fat. It really did not matter how much in shape I really was in all they saw was this thick chick who was considered fat. See back then my size was not considered thick according to today’s standard. My father, bless his heart, meant no harm, but he was one of my main downfalls of me packing on the pounds throughout the years. Trying to please this man with my weight got me caught up doing the same with various men who came in and out of my life. See I thought if I lose the weight I would be good enough in his eyesight and the same would go for various men who caught my attention. Who knew I would be 44, no kids, and still not married? Yes my daddy told me all the time I was a pretty girl, but when you follow it up with you need to lose weight that takes away the pretty part of the whole equation.
See I was caught in pleasing a man. You do see this unfolding right before your eyes? It’s not that my daddy did not know my heart, but he focused on the outer part of me which made me feel inadequate. When in reality there was nothing wrong with me except I had a little extra padding in my life. Like the old saying goes, “Since you think I am fat then I might as well live up to your expectations.” I didn’t want to disappoint the man so I gained weight. Don’t get it twisted, even though I packed on the pounds I always maintained my sexy and built up my confidence. I taught myself how to command a room and did not care who liked it or not because it was not about them, but in the back of my mind I was making it about them unconsciously. Food became my comforter. When I felt I was falling into a dark head space, I ate. Food was my drug of choice because it tasted so good and it fulfilled me in a way that I could not find in anyone else.
I always compared my looks to other female family members who I thought were prettier and who had popularity with the guys when I had none. See I was always that girl who was just one of the guys. All I ever wanted was for someone to see me and just love me without conditions, but my weight was my condition. So I started a pattern that drove me into a sink hole that I was finding hard to get out of. My sink hole became my safe haven for me to retreat to when I needed to uncover myself. Do you know how comfortable it was for me to be in an unhappy situation for so long? I would always say “I’m happy and doing well” or “I’m good and can’t no one get me down,” but the truth of it all I was lying to myself. How could I not be happy when I was always the life of the party? I tell you how. I learned how to be a chameleon very early on in age. Trust me it was not hard for me to play that character without missing a beat. It was when the curtains came down is when the real me showed up. My hurt surfaced each and every time. I just made sure my character was in place for the next day of my stage play. The show had to go on…..