Where The Hell Am I??
I wrote this piece on October 10, 2010. It was at a time when I was at a major crossroads and was trying to figure out “Why?”
At 36, this is not where I thought I would be. Funny thing is, I’m not in a bad place: married 10 years; 2 beautiful girls; great job that pays well. Even with all of this, I have not found my true happiness. I want to be perfectly clear that it is no one’s fault, but my own [that I am where I am].
“Change that makes you a better person is good.” ~Mairo
I believed that I needed to be a different person to be seen as a good person. There’s a difference in being a good person and bettering yourself. Who I was as a child, young woman, was a person who needed to better channel my energy. I was always smart and God blessed me with some wonderful talents. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to believe that who I was deep inside wasn’t good enough, so I allowed others to change me to fit into their world.
Loud, funny, direct, abrasive, spontaneous, driven, competitive are all words that describe who I was; truly am. These are not bad character traits; how you use then can be destructive. I allowed myself to suppress these traits to fit into a world I believed I needed to be part of to be happy and successful and all the other words/ideals people chase after.
I’ve suppressed my true self for so long; I’m lost. I don’t know what to feel, how to love deeply, how to be affectionate. I’ve closed the door on my career dreams to pursue what others believed and told me was best for me. When the hell did I let others start controlling my life and destiny? Seemingly, it’s been going on for quite some time, with my permission; and I’m tired of it.
I spend too many days wondering what if; doing nothing; letting life pass me by; going through the motions. I hate who I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I love me…but I’m not who I pretend to be.
When I re-read this today, I think WOW! I was in a really bad spot. People on the outside looking in saw a person who had it all together and I was feeling like a complete failure. I figured out “Why?” I was so focused on what I had not done and who I had not become, that I could not appreciate what I had done and who I had become.
Focusing on what made me fabulous created a whole new outlook on life for me. I stepped back and realized I was a bad motha shut yo mouth! The greatest benefactors of this realization are my husband and children. It’s so true that the wife/mother’s attitude sets the tone for the entire house. My family deserves to have their house be a safe zone from all the chaos the world throws at them; who am I to make their home anything but happy.
Shift your focus to all that you have accomplished. Speak in the affirmative about all of your fantabulousness (you like that word don’t you). Love and live life with your family like there is no tomorrow!